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Applying New Skills to the Art of Parenting

Who knew that braiding and manicuring would be essential for a father of two?

Whoever said, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” stopped having kids by 25.

Since the “gruesome twosome” came along, I feel as though I am in a weird Freudian dream-boot camp in which I am forced on a daily basis to acquire new and bizarre skills while under the careful watch of miniature twin drill instructors.

I am proud to have mastered the art of braiding hair. Of course, now that I can do it blindfolded, they each insist on a French braid. They are 3! My wife has got to stop watching "America’s Next Top Model" in front of the girls. (Just in case she doesn’t, I am brushing up on my pattern making and sewing skills.)

I have turned into quite the manicurist too. Ironic, since I bite my nails…more so now than when I didn’t have kids…but that’s for another article. I can apply nail polish on their tiny little toes with the artistic and technical ability of the great masters….like Madge. (Does anyone get the obscure and dated reference or did I just prove that I am older than dirt?) And yes, I can hold my masculine, hetero head high when I say that I know my Purple Pronto from my Flashy Fuschia.

I put on my best Harvey Fierstein voice while I do the magic on their tiny digits. “So I says to him, I says…” The twins look at me bewildered. A look I am getting used to on a daily basis.

To be quite frank, I have so much useless crap jammed in my head that I didn’t want to learn anything new. I can tell you how Ralph Kramden and Alice met. I know why Steinbeck named his protagonist in "Of Mice and Men," Milton. I can name the starting line-up of the 1969 Mets. Who cares? This is why I don’t have a pot to pee in. Useless crapolla that now must make room for the names of each character of "The Backyardigans." Pablo is my favorite. Of course I am now becoming a huge "Bubble Guppy" fan and partial to Nonny. I just reread the last few sentences and wonder how it is that I consider myself a literary snob…which I am.

I have squeezed out the definition of endoplasmic reticulum to make room for proper tea party etiquette. I have dismissed the steps to solve *multivariable calculus and *linear algebra to be able to identify Sleeping Beauty, Ariel, Belle, and Snow White by hair color.  I have made room between Cantos 1 & 2 of "Dante’s Inferno" in order to distinguish capri legging from regular and to eye-ball an outfit from 500 paces to know if it’s a 2T or 3T.

Despite my M.A. in English and my M.F.A. in Creative Writing, there is one skill that I haven’t mastered that I fear on a daily basis…S.P.E.L.L.I.N.G. O.U.T. W.O.R.D.S. My wife does it effortlessly (and she’s only a math teacher). I am constantly saying to her, “Wait. What? Slow down. Spell it again.” I didn’t realize being a father meant that I had to take a T. E. S. T.

*Before my wife writes a nasty rebuttal, I have no clue what multivariable calculus is. I know what a multivitamin is…does that count? (No pun intended). As for linear algebra….I think it’s a straight line of that slimy green stuff in water. T. H. E. E. N. D.

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Sara Rietbroek May 15, 2013 at 10:18 pm
Not sure why that happened. May have been a technical error.
JACK COLLINS May 15, 2013 at 06:45 pm
Did I really need this anouncement 22 times?
Tyson Marion May 13, 2013 at 01:45 pm
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paul May 11, 2013 at 11:20 pm
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J May 2, 2013 at 10:56 pm
there was an article on the old patch about how Canz was interested in buying the building at theRead More auction. You can see it in a google search but the link doesn't open up, i guess maybe because it was on the old patch.
paul May 2, 2013 at 10:48 pm
http://www.breslinrealty.com/property/east-meadow-new-york-2/
Brent M. May 2, 2013 at 10:35 pm
Wasnt there an article on here that specifically said it was being auctioned!!
Karen Kirshner May 6, 2013 at 09:19 am
Thank you.
Stephen Schultz May 5, 2013 at 07:10 pm
Hi Karen, Thanks for asking about the position(s) at GCA. There are currently a couple of positionsRead More that need filled. The higher, more difficult positions to fill would include Latin 2, AP European History, and the Omnibus - a conglomerate of classes characteristic of classical education. Because we are a Christian school, each of our teachers is required to articulate the Christian gospel through all of their subject areas and to do so from a Scripturally literate point of view. As far as the salary is concerned, that becomes an issue between the candidate and the board and is not handled directly by myself. Please let me know of any more specific questions that you may have if you are still interested. Also, please visit us on Facebook as well as at our main website at gcali.com. Thanks again.
Karen Kirshner May 5, 2013 at 09:37 am
I'm qualified. I would need more details about the position, to consider applying for it.