Bathing Suit Crisis

'Tis the season I've been FRETTING, falalalala, lala, lala. Overeating, snacks, regretting..falalalala, lala, lala. Now I must wear lycra outside, that's my blindside..falalalala, lala, lala!'

The inevitable has fallen upon me, and maybe upon you, too. A new bathing suit is needed. I have to get to the swim department and find my size. It is usually at the end of the rack; the selection is sparse. Colors scare me to death. Truly, who in their right mind, would attempt to squeeze their size 16 butt into a brightly colored orange bathing suit?!

Why do designers do that? Reds, corals, and even white bathing suits are available in large sizes. I guess if I were having a "liquid lunch" (gulp, gulp), shopping afterwards, would not be so worrisome. "Hot pink? I'll take it!" If colors were not inhibiting enough, designers have also mocked us with high cut briefs, no-support strapless tops, and cut-out middles! "Yes, I am large and if it's available in my size, obviously, it's OK to wear!" 

No, it's not. It's marketing, woman! Get real! Don't fall victim! It has nothing to do with humiliation! In real life, you will find many unkind people, and there are plenty of them, who ridicule and mock large bodied women who wear majenta colored, high cut, strapless lycra suits. I have observed 'real life' and its 'players' at the public pool and at the beach. It's sad. Sooooo...."Where the heck are the BLACK swimsuits?!!"

Pushing past the suggestive, colorfully erotic, leopard prints, and skimpy styles, your eyes may fall upon ONE unbought black suit, sized.. "XLarge." It seems to have been waiting for you! Yippee! You remove the hanger from the rack, and enter the 'hall of mirrors'...the dreaded fitting room. Walking in, you might encounter a size 6 lady, walking back out holding the 4 suits, she has decided to purchase. Under your breath, you might refer to her as a skinny b!&(h.  You realize that you are jealous of her tiny DNA molecules and quickly forgive yourself for thinking bad thoughts.

After checking the lock on the dressing room door, you carefully scan the cubicle for pin size eye holes or any hidden camera lens. Negating your suspicions that someone might be watching you, you quickly undress and put on the one X-large bathing suit. Surprise! It doesn't fit! I mean you're able to get your two feet in, and you do pull it up to your knees..but what's this? The elastic give has gone!! Furious, you might continue lifting, and stop when your midriff has reached your neck. Fearing suffocation, you may violently pull it back down and off. You glance at the flush faced woman who is staring back at you in the mirror, and then you might say, as I do..summer sucks                            

Peace.