Why Successful Marriages are Like Political MMA

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me three times and you're a successful politician.

The other night my wife was on facebook and one of our friends from years ago decided to make a date for us to get together to go out to dinner with our spouses.

This caused me to wonder if there was such a thing as anti-social networking, because I would rather have my spleen removed with a lobster fork than do this.

This is partially because my wife's idea of reminiscing is her telling her friends how many times in the past she said "I told you so!" The other part is that this friend is married to a politician (not from Nassau County) and that I want to use a quart of hand sanitizer after shaking his hand and then make sure I still have my wedding band, and all five fingers.

This guy likes to say,"Now let me make this perfectly clear," (and he talking about fog.)

You see my wife hates getting all dolled up to go out with Raggedy Andy. And I (the raggedy guy) like to wear my baseball cap almost everywhere...like work, movies, dinners out, bars, pubs, clubs, synagogue and sometimes the shower.

She, on the other hand, is an impeccable dresser with a sense for fashion and will discuss appropriate outfits with friends and neighbors like I do with sports. But for me a pair of carpenter jeans, sneakers and a camo print t-shirt are always in style.

There is a lot to be said for marriage, but I don't dare say any of it out loud (great, did I just really type that? Boy, am I still gonna be in trouble now!) And you know me! Even my editor emails me that I am a "real character."

Some people do not get brain freeze, because their brain is not connected to their mouth, like me. But I really hate social engagements with people that I would rather help jump off a bridge and forget to secure their bungee harnesses to them.

So I will go with my wife to this dinner fiasco to appease her and it will start off nice enough, but then somewhere between appetizers and main course, Mr. Duly-elected-by the-people-after-a-campaign-that-cost-more-than-feeding-all-the homeless-in-Brooklyn says something flippant or whiney and I go off like a dormant land mine.

He will mention the fact that many friends homes along their way out to the Hamptons showed that the owners were "out and about". And I will respond with, "Oh is out and about the new politically correct term for being foreclosed?" or he will mention his recent dabbling in the stock market and I will comment with,"Watching the stock market is like watching an e-bay auction, you only need to view the last two minutes!"

Or he will talk about new airport security measures and red light cameras and computer hacking and I will come back with something like, "What's next, metal detectors at City bus stops?" This can make for a very uncomfortable dinner, even when 2-3 pitchers of great sangria are involved. So why go? To make my wife happy! So there!

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Shelle October 02, 2011 at 03:30 PM
Typical man! hahahahahahaha
Cluckin A Critter Farm October 08, 2011 at 02:27 PM
Yo Billy....hope you can kick butt at least half as good as Osho. Especially posting things like this! You will maybe need this skill to fend of the little woman...(I believe she can take ya though...) for I've seen you cry "UNCLE" a time or two.


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