Why Don't They Just Say What They Mean?

This past week I found myself with some real down time, as I found little interesting to watch on the tube except reruns and inconsequential sports games.

My son, who is still an integral part of my life, is currently on a trip in Israel on Birthrite (An almost free trip to see the majesty, beauty and history of another country, while trying to dodge nearby terrorists, religious fanatics and shekel grubbing merchants, as he bonds with a clique of his own NY peers) and probably teaching members of Mossad how to play the sport of lacrosse.

He dreams of lacrosse becoming an International Professional Olympic Sport by 2028. Right how they compete in the "World Games" and Israel will have a team there in 2012 hopefully.

During this time I decided to spend some quality time with my super smart, super hard-working spouse doing things together that we would never get to do normally. I asked her outright what she would like to do this particular day and she said, “Whatever makes you happy, dear.”

Now you and I know she does NOT want to sit and watch sports highlights and athletic classic event re-runs, drinking longneck beers at a smoky bar, being served by a 22-year-old Britney wanna-be in pink ‘Juicy” hot pants named Crystal, who’s favorite color is Clear!

Now what she really meant to say was, “something completely different that would pique my interests and not the same boring, mundane stuff we do when we are occasionally together without a ton of chores to do.”

So, on this special day, I arranged that we visited Clark Botanical Gardens in Albertson to take Audubon quality photos of the plants and insects and take in a fantastic Raptor (which are hunting birds like hawks, falcons, owls, etc.) demonstration. It was breathtaking and exciting and a great learning opportunity. And she was snapping away like a paparazzi in Kim Kardashian’s budoir.

After the show, we strolled the wonderful gardens in the blazing sun and blistering heat. And when I asked her if she was ready to leave she said, “In a minute, Honey.”

Now what she really meant to say was,” Stop bugging me! I’m busy taking more photos than Ansel Adams, and we will go when I say so or when I can’t stand the insects stinging and biting my exposed calves and ankles.” Which, thank the lord, was much sooner than later.

After that we went out to a local diner for lunch, which again is rare for us. At this particular oasis of culinary delights involving things like ketchup and finely shredded cabbage pieces, there was this little girl at the table next to ours sitting in a high chair and next to her was another high chair, with a huge teddy bear in it.

And after every bite she took, she attempted to feed the bear some of the same gunk that she was eating. And the Mother said,” You have to eat all your vegetables Margie otherwise Teddy Freddy won’t eat either.” 

Now what the mother of the toddler really meant to say was,” I will do whatever I need to do to get you to eat this garbage and your teddy bear is not going to eat a single bite because he is already stuffed!” 

Then I asked my wonderful wife what she wanted to do before we headed into New York city, where we were going to see the new Star Trek documentary movie for free, on the deck of the Intrepid battleship with over 500 trekkies, in an evening hosted by Mr. William Shatner (how’s that for stuff you don’t do every day-off you get?). And she said, “I want to stop home and the first thing I want to take off is this new bra.”

Now you guys might be thinking that she is wearing a sweat shirt three sizes too big and will be removing her bra like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. While you gals know what she really meant to say was, ”The second thing I want to take off is this Playtex cross your heart ,mini straightjacket that is making me chafe and sweat like a camel rider in the Sahara."

You see, it can’t really be the first thing she took off, because that would be like me trying to take off my right sock without first removing my sneaker.

It is just that after being with this particular woman for more years than I have been without her in my entire long life, I sort of understand the fundamental differences in her auditory utterances. And with that comes the mutant ability to distinguish the underlying meanings of the general verbal cues of other females of our species.

Keeping in mind, that sometimes I still feel like a marine biologist trying to explain the clicks, ticks, whistles and pops of a dolphin. Because like a woman, they almost never say exactly what they mean, you just have to get the gist of what is behind their "porpoise."