When Term Boob-Tube Is a Compliment

I find it amazing that television network executives get paid a regular salary in the programming department.

And there are something like 90 different networks (I'm thinking that ABC and ABC Family or MSG and MSG Varsity really should count as only one). But not since some guy with no grey matter between his ears decided that a half hour comedy based on the cavemen from an insurance commercial would be a great idea, have I viewed the most boring, stupid, insipid, moronic drivel on my overpriced monthly cable box. And no matter where I clicked or flicked it only seemed to get worse. So this proves that TV bigwigs are no equivalents to visual CPAs, as there is no accounting for taste.

Recently to appease the various patrons at the bar I was hanging out a few weeks ago, the barmaid switched the main HD TV, back and forth so many times from the “Miss Universe Pageant” and “Monday Night Football” that I could have sworn that Miss Venezuela scored a field goal and Mike Ditka won the swimsuit competition!

TV programs have gone from bad to worse. From a show about Rosanne Barr’s Hawaiian nut farm to a show called “Whisker Wars” about guys that travel in beard judging competitions to a show about guys that teach others to noodle (catch huge catfish with their bare hands) to “Shark Tank” about people who want backing for a new, strange product idea like edible utensils.

Others are just as brainless and ludicrous as “Pit Boss”, “Bridal-Plasty” ,”Pregnant in Heels”, ”Hi Society” which you can figure the premises just from the absurd titles. And then there are ones starring William Shatner, Paul Reiser, Jimmy Smitts, and the Hasslehoffs- where the idea was that there is no filter between their mouths and their brains.

These Archie Bunker wannabees were thankfully cancelled before train wreck could leave the station. And “America’s Next Great Restaurant” ran longer to find the winner, than the winner had his Next Great restaurant in actual operation. Someone should flay Bobbie Flay!

The Emmy winning show, “Mad Men” has inspired a host of bland retro dramas for the current viewing season (Playboy Club, Pan Am, etc.) that take place when phones had rotary dials and the country was in turmoil over the assassinations of some very popular public figures. But all they focus on is foolishness. And not the good, funny kind of foolishness that you see on “Big Bang Theory” or “Modern Family.” 

So what is next “Anheuser Busch- the Making of a Beer Empire”? Vampire and werewolf shows gave way to witches this season. “Glee” inspired the “Glee Project,” ”Acting Out” and other group chorus shows. Does nobody (pardon my grammar, but I revert to my single celled evolutionary roots when I am angry) have an original idea anymore?

When, not if, a majority of the new fall shows fall on their faces, I can hardly wait to see their replacements. You might actually see shows like...

“Knitting Wars” – two teams of Indiana women compete to make apparel for needy nursing home residents.

“Pump Jumpers” – a reality series based on the life of a family of gasoline and diesel fuel pumpers and their customers.

“Emily Post’s Etiquette- which covers proper behavior in high society like crossing your legs at the ankles.

“Doo Dis Daddies”- a competition show about diaper changing dads in shopping malls in different cities .

“Another Man’s Junk”- about two guys in a truck in Detroit going house to house looking for treasures that others throw away in their trash.

“Build-a-Bear”- a parent and child game show where they have to create stuffed bears based on audience suggestions with celebrity judges.

"Wanna Bees"- aspiring actors and actresses act out popular episodes from old TV shows like The Odd Couple, Mannix, Bewitched, Columbo,Taxi, etc  to try to get a guest spot or role on one of the current TV shows like NCIS, CSI or Law and Order.

"Pizza Boss"- Set in downtown Newark, NJ -will be a cross between the current TV series' Jersey Shore and Cake Boss.Fuhgeddaboudit !

So even though you have hundreds of channels available, there still may be nothing worthwhile to watch other than C-SPAN re-runs.