Truth Is Stranger Than Friction

As the king of my jungle, I have come to realize that as head lion of my pride, there are many different facets in “The Circle of Strife” and to not stress over the normal things.

My personal pride certainly goeth before I fall. In many cases when I fall, others fall down with laughter. So I tend to follow the mantra as The Lion King’s Rafiki says, "Asante sana Squash banana, Wiwi nugu Mi mi apana." (Roughly translated means: When you least expect it you can slip on a squashed banana, but you can work hard to right yourself and possibly keep your dignity). The following accounts are of my Holiday Hakuna Matatas that actually happened.

Episode 1- My son was getting ready to leave for Israel, which meant that my wife would have to contend with me all by herself and going to bed at the same time for a bit. (She tends to work late when my son is around to keep me company.) She hates times like this because I snore so badly when I first fall asleep, so she will usually come to bed later than me to avoid the sounds of an injured wildebeest.

So there is a factor of stress friction here. So she went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and ordered an anti-Snore Pillow for $55, because I have tried almost everything to stop snoring, including nose strips that stick like duct tape and try to remove the top layer of skin when you remove them. I tried the new pillow for two days, but my snoring actually got worse according to my spouse.

She had me return it for refund. The cashier asked if there was something wrong with it. I said no, but that for it to work on me, my loving wife would have to use it to smother and suffocate me. The cashier laughed so hard she dropped the money she was refunding.

Episode 2- My wife and I have been running around like newly headless chickens this holiday season, especially with me working  “expanded holiday hours” at my place of employment. She decides on Saturday to have a “date night” with me to slow down our activities and smell the poinsettias, so to speak. And not to be a carrot stick in the mud, I decide to pick a great full service restaurant for us to visit and chuck the diet. One that is not in our normal range of local hemispherical neighborhood neck-of-the-woods locations on an average night eating out. One that requires a GPS and more than an eighth of a tank of gas. So we headed out to a place that sounds a lot like Conronkama and ate at this fancy, schmancy eatery where the menu is in different languages and there is a steward who just helps with the fermented grape products and a new waitress for each course. So there is a factor of stress friction here.

After a delicious meal, we decided to share a dessert. The desserts looked and sounded outrageous especially the “Flaming Rocky Cocoa Lava Cliff Flambé “(and quickly I thought ...isn’t flaming and flambé the same thing?) Which is like a stuffed cake topped with stuff with ice cream and stuff that gets ignited. (Think Dumbledore’s birthday cake). "What flavors of ice cream are available for this culinary extravaganza?" I asked. "Vanilla, strawberry and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper with an unusual effort. Trying to be sympathetic, my wife asked, "Do you have laryngitis?" just before taking another sip of wine. "No, honey..." I quickly responded, “Just vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate." And we all began to laugh. I just hope wine stains are easy to get out of white linen.

Episode 3- The members of my household have been complaining about the coolness of the water temperature in our hovel for months. But as a rule my son and father-in-law like to take hot showers that you could cook macaroni in (hot, steamy and long). My wife, on the other hand will take long hot, relaxing bubble baths, which fill up faster in the tub than the lengthy showers I previously mentioned. Having grown up in Brooklyn, I tend to shower in water the temperature of a local “Johnny pump” (also known as a fire hydrant here on LI.) Recently, the complaints reached levels of new heights- instead of on deaf ears, so we called in the expert. So there is a factor of stress friction here.

Now I did not need a crystal ball to know what was going to happen with my current boiler and hot water heater. They were goners! KAPUT! We would have a proper service to honor their 45-plus years of loyal service and they would go to the afterlife of Appliance Assisted Living Facility. Speaking to the sales people about the replacements would prove to be as easy as Charlie Brown talking to the Lil’ Red Haired Girl. 

I spoke to friends and neighbors and relatives and co-workers and really did my research. I thought I knew what I wanted. That is until my local handy dandy expert contractor Pete, came by to discuss a totally unrelated thing that he wanted to get from me. Before I knew it I was getting exactly what he has  (The Dynamic Duo= Incredible Hulk-boiler and the Amazing Tankless Spiderless Water heater) in his pseudo-mansion out East, except for less money than I was going to lay out for my researched units and faster than I intended. (Note- it would have been a lot faster had 1/3 of East Meadow not have had a LIPA Power outage for a few hours when a power wire came loose on the corner of Front St.)

When I asked my contractor how he did it. He said with a sly smile, “I farm out this type of work to specialists in their field and get great discounts which I pass on and supervise multiple sites each day, it’s that simple."  To which I responded, “So if you died tomorrow they would think you’re 160 years old based on your time sheets!”  He laughed so hard he dropped his clipboard.

So as you get older, I find that it is good to keep a level head and a sense of humor with your sense of pride and to be smart when there is a factor of stress friction here and there. This way when you tell your only male offspring that one day he will be the “King of Pride Rock ” at his house and you show him the whole kingdom of possibilities, that he will rule with a loyal partner by his side, and explain that he needs to be cheery and bright. Which why you call him “Sunny."