The Joys of Sustainable Eating

Last evening my wife, I and several friends, read another blog from a farm upstate about a group of health-conscious retirees near Woodstock, NY, that attended a presentation presented at the local library about health, diet and living called "Life at its Best," and we almost spit out our meatballs.

Their mission is simple: they want you to stop and think! Think about your health -- mental, physical, spiritual. They simply want you to think about your life, think about the choices you make, think about your future and know there is hope! They want you to be healthy and happy! They want to assist you on your journey to health, healing and happiness in life by offering you a free multimedia health presentation called, "Life at its Best" with Dr. Walter Veith.

And this was my subdued response: GROW UP JOHNNY APPLESEED!

If in truth they wanted me to be happy, they would have made me bacon and ribs and a juicy t-bone wrapped in more bacon and kept their fruit and veggies for those bored yuppie vegans, over-hyped personal trainers and PETA pros in Albany and the Hamptons. There is nothing that makes me happier than eating things that come from animals. Rump, neck, breast, thighs and legs are some of my favorite parts. Whether it is barbecued, smoked, roasted or deep fried, it makes me happy, giddy and filled with glee.

Grilled organ meat brings me closer to God! I know people who have seen that white light and still come back for a second helping of fatty, juicy tenderloin and meat au jus. Keep your fish oil and fish iron. If I'd wanted iron, I’d eat a crowbar. I am a carnivore. A meat eating animal! Lions and tigers and bears can be healthy at 700 pounds, why not me?

Do I look like a chipmunk or squirrel? Keep your nuts and legumes and fill my belly with potatoes if you want me to be happy. Baked, fried, broiled, boiled, fluffed, stuffed, au gratin, chipped and skinned will make me smile every time. Salad makes me frown. It is the free junk that high-end restaurants give you, so they can give you half the amount of meat and potatoes that you crave and still get you to pay the check.

People need to quit kidding themselves! Eating healthy stinks and is about as mentally enjoyable, physically pleasant and spiritually satisfying as chewing on a burlap sack. You go to a movie and eat apple slices and some plain yogurt? I think not! Happiness is to order the garbage pail of buttered popcorn, extra large nachos with an extra helping of cheese and a gallon of diet orange Fanta soda. Now you can chow down and enjoy the flick in peace. Unless the thinking moron with the celery stalks and veggie chips starts crunching again and we have to move to the first row to hear.

And as eating and viewing sports on TV goes or attending an engagement party or social gathering, keep your sushi and give me a three-cheese and pepperoni calzone and a beer. And I mean a real beer, not one of those light, watered-down , whiz ‘em as soon as you chug 'em beers. Something with hops, barley, alcohol and no fruit -- keep that lime or lemon for your girly blah-tinis. You want me to think about my health and healing? Just give me a bag of some frozen peas so I can put them on my jaw after I hit the floor in a drunken stupor.

You would think that a seminar called "Life at its Best," would be about lard, liquor and being lazy. So there!