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Health & Fitness

Off Centered Tales with Off Centered Ales

Why does it seem that only at a place that serves alcohol, and not in any classroom, will you hear a true microcosm of useful facts and observations about life.

Yet again I find myself parking my Mercury in a crowded parking lot on Hempstead Turnpike and strolling in the oppressing heat into a place that will show multiple sports programs on large TVs hung from the ceiling and serves alcohol to adults old enough to remember drivers licenses without pictures and serve ladies large red cups filled 1/2 way with free drinks.
       

On this particular night, both New York baseball clubs were in rare form, Tiger was
tanking with a new caddie and WWE Divas were slobberknocking each other around
the ring. Tonight's mucho macho special is Yoyo BOGO (buy 1-get 1), but tip the
gal twice-Dogfish Head Beer (who's slogan is "Off-centered ales for
off-centered people") night.

Now I love this particular place because it is a great
mix of the Human Mishmosh Soup that makes up the cross
section of our East Meadow residents. And I also love the fact that the CD
juke box music is low enough to hear both the TV announcers and the
individual conversations if you get close enough.                                                  
     

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I find that trying to drink and read sports closed captions, gives me the same headache as many wives get from red wine and 10-plus years of marriage. But I like the fact that I get to mingle, jingle and tinkle with an eclectic combination of my
friends and neighbors.

However, the most fun I have is to actually listen (okay eavesdrop- not spy on, if you want to get technical) like a fly on
the Shell No Pest strip. You get to hear the most interesting comments,
questions and outrageous statements that might cause a normal brain to
spontaneously combust.

Find out what's happening in East Meadowwith free, real-time updates from Patch.

One lady of advanced age in a blue tank top and similar color hair says, "My
daughter got a tattoo of her bulldog Missile one year ago and now it looks more
like a shar pei"!
        

A gentleman in a Nike collared shirt and carpenter pants exclaims, "I
haven't had a raise since Koch was in office, which is why I find managers,
lawyers and politicians to be the equivalent of human deer ticks!”
          

While next to him the Fluffy guy (pc term for weight challenged, which is a pc tem in itself) in the 3XL Hawaiian shirt with glasses as thick a shot glasses states, "I bet you didn't you that emus can't walk backwards and bats fly to the left when leaving a cave or colony! But I wonder what does a whale do if it is thirsty?" I found that amazingly profound. Weird, but profound nonetheless.      

Then there is a small gathering of ladies drinking fruity drinks with what
looked like micro sized paper totes umbrellas and the woman with the French
tips and lipstick on her teeth says, "You know you are too addicted to
technology when you get a text from the delivery room that you can see the
baby's head crowning…and the text is from the birth mother!”
     

And another lady with bright red hair in the same group says, “Paranoia is
signing up for twitter and getting the distinct feeling and messages to
confirm the fact that you are now being followed"! And with that I move a bit closer to the TV.
        

A bearded guy on a Knicks jersey and cargo pants queries to his clique of buddies, "Was it Billy Joel's idea to move the Long Island Music Hall of Fame into a
bank?"
   

So remember the moral of tonight's expedition, the next time you are
approaching a bat infested cave riding an emu, enter from the right, as you
won't be able to throw it in reverse and run away when you go to get your pet whale a 10 ounce bottle of Poland Spring!

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