Murky Christmas and New Years Revelations

With the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you be of good cheer. It's the most plunderful time of the year. It's the slap happiest season of all. With those holiday cheatings and goal oriented competings, when friends come to call. It's the slap happiest season of all. There'll be parties for boasting. Marshmallows for toasting and gun controlling out in the snow.

There'll be late night inventories and tales of sales glories of Christmases long, long ago. It's the most blunder full time of the year. 

And so comes the time when I share certain things that will come to pass as told to me by the Ghost of Christmas Tree Lighting and Holiday Future.

• I hear that Pepper Spray will be the “HOT ITEM!” for pre-Black Friday sales in 2012
• Will Black Friday come early in 2013, seeing as how Hanukkah actually falls out the day (Wednesday) BEFORE Thanksgiving Thursday?
• What the heck are those birds so angry about anyway? (My friend’s daughter stated, “Would you like to be slingshot across the screen?”)
• For Hanukkah my sales manager boss got me a week’s supply of Lean Cuisine Rocky Mountain Oysters microwavable dinners. (Was there some kind of Freudian subliminal message there?)
• If Long Island Teens want to join the protest movement...ditching school to ”Occupy Roosevelt Field Mall” is NOT applicable.
• Out of the frying pan and into the fire is actually called the “Leidenfrost Effect”. (16th century medical doctor and renown researcher Johann Gottlob Leidenfrost examined the effect of putting a droplet of water on a hot skillet and watching it skitter to and fro and bounce about prior to evaporation...much like Ed Mangano at a Union negotiation meeting).
• Is it really necessary to handcuff 19 and 20-year-old kids as you bring them to Nassau Police Headquarters on charges of cheating on the SATs? (These are NOT gang bangers and drug lords! And ironically thinking...is it only males that did this? Or are ALL the female College freshmen honest test takers?)
• Sending “Revenge Gifts” for the holidays only perpetuates the cycle. (So my advice is to hold off on the singing hamster, the Fisher Price drum set and the Screaming Harpy Barbie doll.)
• This may happen to you too. I have noticed that lately watching my Plasma TV late at night makes me nauseous...especially if it’s on C-SPAN.
• I recently discovered a way to bend visual light around an object to form a cloak of invisibility. You know it’s working because you never see me in the office at work. During that time my co-workers and supervisors were told NOT to sit in any empty looking chairs or toilets seats, unless they first shout my name and clap loudly, or turn off the lights and feel around for my silent presence. However, I did have to promise in writing, NOT to venture into the ladies room. HO, HO, HO!

It's the most knuckle-under-full time of the year. There’ll be much snow blowing and dollars will be flowing when love ones are near. It's the most wonderful time...OF THE YEAR.