Historic Heritages, Hockey and Hops

Again this week I found myself in a combination alcoholic honky-tonk, bar, booze hangout, brew garden, carbonated cabaret, cocktail lounge, gin hole, liqueur joint, moonshine cottage, pub, saloon, taproom, and tavern (all in alphabetical order).

And had I joined my son for the hours of extreme excitement at the movies to see Forrest Gump in 3D, I wouldn't be watching MTV's Made "I want to be a Talk Show Host" segment on one screen and Bully Beatdown on the other over the top shelf liquors, just waiting for a televised hockey game to start. As I munched on stale Cheetos, I happened to notice that Ellen DeGeneres’ new haircut resembles Moe from the Three Stooges and she has what looks like a Justin Bieber Chia Pet on her desk.

The conversation in the room is about as bright as the two 20-watt lights over the dilapidated pool table. One lady is telling another lady that her sister-in-law was upset when they went with other gal pals for a “Girls Night Out” the other week, they went to an Atlantic City Hotel and saw a Chippendales Show and she was surprised at watching grown men strip off their clothes instead of two cute Disney chipmunks ice skate.

The three guys, who are dressed liked orderlies or male nurses in scrubs to my left, are talking and comparing Wii games versus Xbox Kinect games and examining their “Quick Draw” and “Powerball” numbers that were chosen at random by new apps on their iPhones. (What ever happened to Fantasy Football league night at local bars?) I got motion sickness and had to take Dramamine on when I was on my son’s Xbox Kinect Gym Teacher’s Fitness game. And I bet they can’t wait till the portable MRI function app becomes available on their iPhone 5’s.

The hour passes and the boisterous blonde barmaid changes the channel looking for the Islander puck party channel. She stops and pauses for a lengthy time at one of those cooking shows, where the host screams and insults everyone, and the chefs rush around like rats in a maze. This truly makes me wish I had a time machine, and can fast forward a few minutes till the Plasmas are providing second period coverage of the hockey game instead of commercials about period coverage for ladies.

Finally someone with an intricate knowledge in the use of a channel up/down button on a TV remote puts on the New York Islander Skate and Pummel Fest and a sense of joy washes over the specific patrons that have gathered to watch, whoop and wash down another brewski as we root for Wang’s Wunderkinds. Finding this kind of joy is like climbing mountains. One must rise above the suffering, view all that is possible and realize that in a single instant you might be plummeting back where you came from. It is times like this that people like me, I mean those who like to root for the underdogs to triumph, not those who cover their lack of hair with a baseball cap, think back to our history.

History is a wonderful thing. If done properly you can transport yourself through time to relive grander times. Like when the Bums won the series. Or Ali performed his “Rope-a-dope” with various dance partners long before daughter Laila was conceived. Or when the Stanley Cup traveled from the Queens border to the Montauk Lighthouse and back wrapped in an orange and blue jersey.

History tells us about fellow Islander super fan and current pub patron Sandy, who came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Joe, noticed and asked Sandy what happened. Sandy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old Islander hockey injury that acts up once in a while." Joe, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey with the islander’s." Sandy, "Oh I don't play. Never did. I hurt it three years ago when I lost $200 betting the Islanders in the playoffs. I got mad and put my foot through the 46-inch television."

History also tells us that it was President James Madison’s wife Dolly, a very progressive woman, who introduced ice cream to the White House. They even named a popular brand of modern frozen dessert treat after her (and not the little four-wheeled platform that you move furniture on). She also was the first First lady (that phrase seems redundant, repetitious and repetitive, sorry) to don Ice Skates and zip to and fro over a frozen lake.  And I wonder what SHE would have thought of the Islanders and the NHL. I know she would have been able to handle the ever-perplexing TV remote control unit, unlike some.