A Hotter Than Hot Time In The Old Town Tonight!

We just got back from our annual family vacation.

This year we decided to visit the old West. Each year, we as a family pick a new state in the good old US of A to spend our hard earned tax dollars in.

Now don't get me wrong, visiting other countries can be nice for some, but not for me. My son has been to Europe and loved the sights in Amsterdam, the waffles in Belgium, the history in Germany and the wooden Crocs in Holland. He also had a fantastic experience recently on a Birthright trip to Israel where he made friends that will probably last a lifetime, which will match his memories of his experiences there as well.

But me...I'm different. I want to speak the same language, not use a voltage adapter to shave, not spend time figuring out different money,have my toilet swirl counterclockwise and not have six out of ten people on the street carrying portable rocket launchers or Uzis.

So this year, I decided that we visit the heartland of Americana, where beer is cold, waffles come with meat links from Waffle House and females and males take off their cowboy hats when you play the National Anthem. I'm talking about visiting Nevada, Arizona and Utah - three of the most scenic, amazingly breathtaking places in the entire world.

Paris may be "The City of Lights," but compared to it, Las Vegas has to be "The City of Maximum Illumination." It is neon and incandescents and LEDs and jumbo-trons everywhere, so much so that you can wear your Ray-Bans at night.

The only real problem is the heat, which while we were there was an oppressive 113 degrees (The human body will melt at 120 degrees and spontaneously combust at 125).

But keep in mind all the best places are cold enough to hang uncooked meat as you try to spend some of your relaxation time being forced to count to 21 or see if you can get rid of a diamond and pick up another club (these are gambling references). The shows are a bit more diverse now a days though.

My son went to see artists named Raekwon, Ghostface, Mobb Deep, Fat Joe, the Jabbawockeez, etc. And my wife dragged me to see "Menopause the Musical," which was actually very entertaining and extremely funny (I guess living it and having someone else sing and dance about it can ease the anguish and put things in perspective. Which is probably why my supportive blog site editor has agreed to look over my screenplay for "Bald, Potbellied & Flatulent the Musical"). Meantime I wanted to see Wayne Newton, but wouldn't you know it, he's performing in Tanzania.

Arizona can be summed up in one word - Grand ! It has the Grand Canyon, a grand desert, grand Indian reservations and exclusive spa resorts that will cost you about a grand a night. If you look up wide open spaces in the dictionary, you will see a picture of the state of Arizona( Whose state motto is - "No two Cactus plants are exactly alike').

Utah is spectacular! Kanab, Utah is known as the Hollywood of the Wild West. It is where John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart and Henry Ford rode to the rescue, circled the wagons and made peace with the natives with wampum, firewater and tobaccah. While we were there, they actually had the annual "Legends of the Old West Festival," which is a four-day cowboy, cowgirl and cowpoke extravaganza.

It starts with the Herky Lerky Jerky toss and culminates with a meet and greet/autograph session of some of the surviving stars of Great Western films like Clint Walker, James Drury, James Hampton, Johnny Crawford, Ruta Lee, Kathy Garver and many more. (Not familiar with some of the names? If you are over 30, just Google image them and you'll be surprised). My son did have a blast  when he entered the quick draw contest and placed in the top ten.

One of the main events of the festival is the "Cowboy Poetry Contest" (which is where I found that there are 406 words that rhyme with "BEER"). We ate fantastic BBQ off the spit, played pool, drank longnecks, took tons of photos and relaxed in a place teeming with stars and red, white and blue. However, the best time was spending an entire evening just sitting and listening for free to country ballads, honky-tonk hoedowns and Texas two-steps in the converted barn of the semi-famous Parry Inn.

The following day we went to the American Indian Pow Wow on the Paiute Indian Reservation and observed many Native American Indian traditions and dances. And soon after that we returned to the reality of home (having missed the earthquake) and fury of Hurricane Irene. Now this is what I call a family vacation. I can't wait till next year.